We women can be our own worst enemy when it comes to relationships. We want to blame the man; when he is the culprit of disrespect, infidelity, dishonesty and he IS to blame for doing those things, but we must take personal responsibility for this by asking ourselves – “So why are we staying?” And better yet, when we see it coming at the onset of the relationship – walk away. Our enemy is our relationship to desperation. When you have no need of someone, it is okay to want someone but when you are crazy to have someone, you will meet up with a bad match. So lets look at the Coyote or the Trickster in a relationship. Often, if you don’t get it right away, you will get sucked in to his game.
Case example – the date: My friend Trina (name changed) began to be pursued by a man in a group she was active in. He wanted to get to know her, so he sent emails to lure her in. It seemed very gentle, sweet. At this point there was no indication of a problem. He was not obsessive, extremely impersonal, not forward at all. She felt a little unsure though because, being an intuitive woman, she knew something was missing from this casual conversation. He had invited her to an all day event which seemed rather big for a first date. It was out-of-town and while he was a friend of another acquaintance, she knew he was okay. They knew each other from the group too so he wasn’t a complete stranger but she needed to get to know him more on a personal level. So she was brave and asked him out herself, to learn more before the bigger date. On the date, he continued to be impersonal. He shared a few details about himself but still she said “What is wrong here? Why can’t I figure this out?” She also realized that she herself had neglected to ask the right questions. She had let him take control of the date and walked away even more in the dark. Oddly, while she had these reservations, she still found herself attracted to him. Their trip was cancelled due to weather so she invited a game of what should we do instead. To her surprise his response was quite promiscuous and caught her off guard. Without leading him on, she explained that it was not the right time. The conversation ended and she felt respected. The day came and it was a wonderful time. She saw some differences in their personality but nothing too glaring (or so she thought). By the end of the day, he had begun to grow on her. She still wondered though, why she felt something was missing in the conversation. He was not flirting with her and yet he was indirectly. A couple of times he made comments that were again based on the joke of promiscuity. She did not respond at all this time, feeling a little awkward. The date ended at the same time they were meeting friends in their group. Luckily, the fate of the Gods put a shadow over her face so that their mutual friend was unable to see her. The friend called out “Oh, is this Barbara?” My friend was stupefied and at the same time she felt a light go on. This was what was missing. He already had a girlfriend. The man did not say a word to her but gave a nervous response to the friend, completely ignoring Trina. The rest of the evening was in silence between the two. When she stalled to leave the meeting, she found he was avoiding her. He did not make any attempts to contact her the next day and has not since. Trina called to tell me the story and we discussed the coyote. Trina, being a very wise woman, who has done a lot of work on herself with regard to relationships, let it go. She was reminded from our conversation that the coyote was a test for her at this stage in her life.
Case example – the relationship: Another friend Laurie (name changed), had a longer term relationship with a man who was a coyote and this game lasted over the course of a couple of years. This man was more assertive and direct. He knew how to play with her emotions to the point that when he was out of her life, she would starve herself. When he was in her life she felt a sense of discomfort but had a hard time letting him go. This was a girl who salvaged relationships – no matter to what extent, so she would not be alone. She talked with therapists, friends, spiritual advisors, psychics but still she could not get the lesson until it was almost too late.
Her story began when she met this man at an event picnic for a club she belonged to. He was very charming but she did not think much about it when she left. He contacted her by email and said he had been interested in her and would like to take her on a date for dinner and a concert. He was very sweet and the gentleman and did not even kiss her goodnight at the end of the evening. He did ask her out again though. They went out a few more times before becoming intimate. The fireworks began to go off and she found herself quite amazed by his energy and the chemistry they had. He too seemed to be enchanted by her and used terms to flatter her constantly. He made jokes about their future together “I hope you won’t treat me like that,” when they would see another couple. What she had not realized at the time was that he had never once said I love you in the few months they had been together. Then one day he began to act very oddly on a date out-of-town. He was distant with no explanation. When he dropped her off he said that he wanted to end the relationship. His reason was that she wanted to live in a nice house and drive a fancy car but he was more frugal than this (he was extremely liberal). She was in shock after all this time of hearing him call her affectionate terms and began to cry relentlessly. He walked out of her life for several months before she heard from him again. They got together for a concert again, that she invited him to. It was a concert they had purchased tickets for in advance. He again pursued her by being overly flirtatious and then at the end of the night told her he was in a relationship with another woman. A year later, he began to start emailing her again and explained he was no longer in a relationship. This crazy friend of mine decided to tempt fate and actually thought she was going to get some kind of revenge on him. So she began going out with him one more time and this continued on for several months. The difference was that he didn’t have to play her anymore, she was his. He could act any way he wanted because she would continue to go out with him. He would get mad at her for strange things, start to be intimate and then end it, have her meet him at a restaurant rather than his house and other obvious disaster warnings. Their passion flared up and down and she became intoxicated by this, until she began to run out of energy. She would talk to me and I could see that she was not herself anymore. She was not even telling me excuses for him or even sharing her dates. She ended it again and quickly took up with another guy so that she could pretend to be focused on someone else. His emails continued though and I finally said to her “He will keep pursuing you because he can. Block his emails, don’t pickup his calls and let it go.” She did and then got into some intense therapy to do some work on her self-esteem.
The coyote has many names – the trickster, the player, the clown, the batterer (more on this later), the stud and I am sure there are other names I have not even thought of. These guys are a man’s best friend. Guys look up to them for their ability to “score” to get any woman they want, for having what seems like a fun, irresponsible, carefree life. These guys come across to men as guys they wish they could be. This is because men do not see them from a woman’s perspective and have no idea what they are really like. These men make great friends too. They are always there for their “male” friends. They help old ladies, older guys, will mow their neighbors lawn for them for free (especially if she is a woman), they are extremely friendly in public and always come across as a gentleman to others.
As a batterer, the coyote can be physically abusive but generally he is more manipulative in bed or with money. They aren’t known for getting married, except as a younger male and generally their marriages end with a long-winded story that sucks women in. Of course the wife in their marriage is a tornado who completely ruined their life. They never take any responsibility with the failures of relationships. It is because of this woman that they now live their life more freely (in their eyes) and vulnerable women who are attracted to them believe that they can protect them and nurture them. As a desperately seeking love type of woman, she buys in to his wounded story and sees herself as the saving grace he has never had. She believes that she will be the one to transform this man and turn him into the wonderful loving person “he tried so hard to be with his wife.”
The Coyote sometimes comes to us with a message about learning from our mistakes, and by learning, we become free from getting trapped. This learning can mean communicating with “our pack” for better understanding (advice, open dialog, sharing experiences with our closest peeps). Or, learning might be a solo thing, like recognizing a personal mistake, seeing its consequences and vowing not to make that same mistake twice. by Amy from the Native American Encyclopedia.
Trina, above, walked away from the coyote as soon as she saw him for who he was. She had grown to realize that leaving the man when she sees the red flags was better than staying with a man to fix him until she became so lost and wounded and thrown to the curb. She also realized that she had been staying in the past because she was tired of looking and didn’t want to be alone. She began to realize the trickster was a reminder to her of all that she had learned and it served as a symbolic test that she was indeed ready to move forward.
Laurie was not so lucky but after a few years of personal counseling, she began to see the error of her own ways. She took responsibility for the decisions she was making with men and was able to have healthier relationships years later.
As women, we have to stop blaming men for the lives we have led with them. Yes, these men did bad things and they were wrong for their actions – that is their karma and believe me they will pay for what they did to you on some level. I have seen men who ended up getting a girl pregnant and forced to marry her by the family, dying in a tragic and strange death, getting robbed at gunpoint, the woman they leave you for dumps them, etc… What comes around goes around, so leave this up to the Gods to handle their fate. But you, unless you realize your own responsibility in the matter of attracting these men, as a result of staying with them, you will continue to bring yourself down to their level.
When we stay with a person such as these types of men, we are compromising our own integrity to ourself and to women. A coyote is not respectful to women and therefore does not deserve our friendship or comfort. If a man is known to treat women horribly, he will do the same to you and your sister, your aunt, your friend. We have to send a message to these guys that they are not worth our time and energy. We have to be a role model to other women by walking away and stay gone. We have to learn to block their emails when they obsessively taunt you. Change your number on your phone if you are unable to stop answering his number. All of this is a pain to do but by not doing so you are continuing to take razors to your arms – cutting yourself with his teeth. It is a form of destroying ourself, self-mutilation (especially when there is ongoing sexual manipulation when we continue to allow him in). Don’t buy into this game of “people just don’t understand us,” or that you have some sort of unbridled passion. Passion is good if it is healthy and respects boundaries. Passion is bad if you are not in control of yourself and someone else is.
Be wise women. Date with your eyes wide open and be mindful of what you see and hear. The right man will come along, when you are behaving confidently, asserting your values and not going back on them after you spoke them. He will be there when you are ready and not a moment too soon. If the guy you think is right isn’t, walk away to free your energy up so that you are ready for the one who is. You deserve the best but don’t go looking until you are at your greatest. In the meantime, enjoy your circle of female friends.