Write for Your Soul

When Dr. Lisa Mowrey, a distant colleague, sent me an email to let me know about this workshop she was giving in FL, I immediately responded. Did she plan to do this training in Ohio and if not, could she train me on how to do this? “I’d be delighted” she said and within a few weeks we met up at her family home here in the Columbus area.

Write for Your Soul is a psychoeducational writing workshop that helps connect us to our inner voice through guided writing exercises.  Dr. Mowrey trained with Ira Progoff and has been leading this workshop for the past 23 years, which she designed based on his teachings.

As I sat down with Dr. Mowrey and began to take notes, I quickly realized that she was going to take me on a journey by having me do the workshop myself. One by one, she led me through the exercises and I wrote for my soul. I wrote things I had not imagined I would say and I have been journaling my entire life.  I have notebooks that I have kept for several decades but none that could quite capture the unconscious needs as this workshop experience did. My most favorite exercise was the future progression. This is one in which she takes you on a guided meditation five years forward. It was really comforting to me to see the things that I saw along my own journey. In fact it has sat with me in my mind since that day. I continue to think on it and feel a sense of peace within.

As a psychotherapist, I have practiced some of these exercises with my clients and found that it has been quite beneficial to their growth. It has enhanced treatment and helped them to talk about things which had not been discussed before. I even did the future progression with a young person with amazing feedback from them on what they saw. As with my own experience, they felt comforted by what was possible for them based on the images they received.

So of course, we are going to be giving this workshop together for the first time this summer on July 20, 2013 and then I will continue to lead it here in Ohio in the future. Meanwhile, if you are in the Sarasota, Florida area, you can take this directly from Dr. Mowrey. I can’t imagine anyone being disappointed.

Write for your soul. Come for the experience…

Related articles

• 2013 Farafina Trust Creative Writing Workshop (farafinabooks.wordpress.com)
• Voicing Your Voice (shaynalashway.com)
• Writing Workshops (301d.wordpress.com)
• Nature and Writing (betweenasleepandawake.wordpress.com)
• Sex Worker’s Writing Workshop (swopbay.org)

Do you have Ghosts in your House?

Sometimes the topic of Ghosts, Spirits or Energy comes up in therapy. I often will turn people on to Mary Ann Winkowski who wrote the book “When Ghosts Speak.” I have read this book myself and found it to be very good and educational. Mary Ann talks about what to do if you have these mysteries and cleansing your home.

Often when I am talking to people about this it is also to help them to realize there is nothing to fear. Sometimes I have shared a story myself and people will say “Didn’t that scare you?” I will answer something along the lines of “But it was my best friend, why would she scare me?”

Many people think of Ghosts as something you see on Halloween or scary movies. However, I do not watch those type of shows because I know it is untrue. Ghosts do not appear as white sheets, nor do they jump out of closets. They appear in different forms which is more than I can explain in a simple blog. It is however why I used the terms earlier when I said Ghosts, Spirits or Energy.

Ghosts are merely spirits left behind trying to get closure before going to the other side. Sometimes they are stuck in houses for very long times. As Mary Ann points out, their energy is the same as it was in this world. If they were bad people here, they are there. But the difference is, you have more power than they do. You can tell them to go away or leave you alone and they will. Unlike dreams, you are awake and very conscious of what is around you – if you are able to sense them. Ghosts can be seen, felt, heard, or smelled and come in various ways. Not all take on a human shape. Read Mary Ann’s book or some other person you might find next to her at the store or online. If it interests you this much that you have read down to here, then you should explore the topic more.

One caveat I learned long ago, don’t try to summon them. Allow them to come to you if they are meant to be with you. If not, let them go. Don’t bother them when they are transitioning and preparing for whatever they are meant to do next.

Spanking the Kids

“Spare the rod, spoil the child.” Ancient Calvinist methodology that I grew up with. So did most of our generations prior to the eighties. How many times must I hear, “But I turned out just fine.” If this is the case then why do we continue to see single parenting on the rise but also abuse and domestic violence continuing to flow every seven seconds? Why are adults more eager than ever to talk to psychotherapists about their childhoods when corporal punishment was so “effective?” Why have the generations that followed raised the entitlement generation if their parents did such a great job? Why have parents lost that skill in teaching right from wrong, setting limits, and teaching good work ethics? Why are children no longer involved with their grandparents religious teachings?

Let’s take the issue of Children’s Protective Services (aka social services in some states) out of the picture. Don’t blame an agency for your thinking process. CPS does not look down on parents who set limits, teach right from wrong, or good work ethics. They do not look down on parents who take their children to worship. CPS is not responsible for the fact that parents use drugs or alcohol in higher numbers than your own parents did. They are not responsible for the fact that you are a single parent either and have been displaced from your birth place so that there are no family members nearby to help in bringing up the child. You are responsible for your child.

Spanking the Kids and the Debate over Spanking

The issue of spanking kids, as you will read in the article above, takes on polar opposites. Either you are pro or against. Like with any other political agenda these days, there is no in between. What people are hoping to accomplish is often the reverse of what happens. It did not happen for you and it won’t happen with your kids. We are also living in a society now that is much different from what you or I were raised in. In my opinion, limits need to be set with kids immediately before they even know what a computer is. When I hear parents say “I have no control over my child, now that there is an Internet,” I wonder what happened long ago when their child was conceived. When did they first start allowing their children to get away with things?

When you first learned that you were pregnant, did you engage in a healthy lifestyle? Meaning were you conscious of not smoking, doing drugs, or alcohol? Did you see your OB/GYN as requested by them? Did you focus on a healthy diet that included organic foods, vitamins, and limited the caffeine intake? Were you working at a job with lots of stress or did you cut back in order to focus on the pregnancy? All of these items of concern have had an impact on the child you brought into this world.

How quickly did you put your child in front of the television and then the computer to use as a babysitter? This has an impact on the way your child views the world. Or did you have your child with you at all times when you were at home, bonding with them. Were you a parent who spent time out in nature talking with your kids and teaching them about life?

Were your children raised in a two parent household? Do you and your spouse believe in team parenting? This means you put the children first above your egos. It means that you come to an agreement on the values you will teach your children. It is not easy to do when you can’t stand the person you divorced. That is why you divorced them. Nonetheless, the children come first.

So now when you talk about spanking your children, who really needs the spanking? How can we expect our children to behave when we have put them on their own for so long? When we have given them whatever they want, whenever they want it, to massage our own guilt feelings about what we did not have as kids. When we have focused on keeping up with the Jones’ rather than developing family autonomy. Have we taught our children to fear us or to make us their best friend? Neither works by the way.

Our children need to learn from day one that we love them and are there for them no matter what. They need us to sit down at the end of the day and read to them. They need us to spend time with them and talk to them about life as they grow. They need to see us being good role models. They need to meet and know their extended family, on both sides, and have a relationship with them. Even if it is Skype and vacations. They need to know what their limits are from day one. This means when you say no, you mean no. If you and their other parent don’t agree you need to sit down and have a talk with your child and explain why your rules are different (without damning the other parent). Remember, they love both their parents, even if the other is screwed up. This talk needs to continue each time they ask about it. You don’t ever stop being a parent. Being their friend is going to have adverse effects because they won’t respect authority or elders. They will learn too easily how to get away with things. They will expect the world will be their friend and this is not the case. Your boss is not your friend. Your landlord is not your friend. Your doctor is not your friend. Your lawyer is not your friend. Your accountant is not your friend.  So don’t teach your children to be your friend. You are an adult and a parent. Teach them to respect you and your values and then respect them as individuals, as they grow. Give them a voice but show them that they have limitations. Let them express themselves creatively but explain what you like and don’t like about what they are interested in.

If from day one you have raised your children, consistently, in a good and healthy atmosphere, taking heed to what has been said above, you won’t need to spank them. Believe it or not, children who have been raised in these environments and were not spanked, live much better lives than children raised in households with belts, spoons, whips, rulers and extension cords. No one raised with corporal punishment has a good sense of self without lots of psychological support. Spankings never stopped there and never occurred when someone was thinking logically. Generally there was emotional abuse and sometimes even sexual abuse. It was humiliating and degrading to the human psyche. We have grown as human beings and have realized that there are more mature ways of raising children.  Let us open our minds and step out of the box of what we once knew and hated.

Related articles

• Why I’ll Never Have To Spank My Kids (30sandbeyond.wordpress.com)
• Tikes And Timeouts: What You Need To Know (k1047.cbslocal.com)
• Alternatives To Spanking (anarchyforchristians.wordpress.com)
• Spare The Rod, Spoil The Child: The Crossborder Dilemna (justsayintho.com)
• Spanking: Punishment That Teaches Respect (elevenamproject4.wordpress.com)

Too Much Information

Boundaries in Communication is the subtitle of this post. All of us, including me, have an issue with saying too much, in the beginning of relating to another. Survivors of abuse are more guilty of this than anyone else. The unconscious idea is thought, “If I tell them everything they will either stay or go. Like me or leave me, get it over with now!” If the person stays, the false assumption that we are now securely bonded from stating our emotional travesties is about as silly as thinking pregnancy will make him love you. The person is not staying for your emotional insecurities they are staying because either they feel just as pathetic and didn’t realise someone was worse off than they were or because it is convenient. Not that they are thinking this consciously either, it is the unspoken denial of desperate-to-be-loved relationships.

I hear the chains clinking from holy matrimony, aka save me please! We have to save ourselves. Don’t ever expect anyone to save you.

This is a topic of communication that comes up in therapy a lot with survivors of abuse. Should I tell him/her? Yes and No. It is important to communicate to your partner, that you plan to spend your life with, what your life was like growing up. It gives them a chance to see, eyes wide open OR listening but not hearing, what they have to look forward to in a partnership with you. It also gives you the chance to see what kind of person they are and will be. Be careful though. It might haunt you for the rest of your life if you do.

Here are some steps to take in divulging your trauma to a loved one:

Scenario One – Conversation: I came from an abusive household. My past has some skeletons in the closet. A healthy response to either of these would be “Do you want to talk about it?” A wise answer to this question should be something like, “Not right now, I just thought you should know, if we are going to plan our future together. I wanted to acknowledge that I had an emotionally unhealthy upbringing.” Or even better, “You know, I think I will leave it up to me and my therapist. I am working (or I have worked on this) on dealing with what happened so that I can have good relationships going forward. I just wanted you to know.”

What generally happens is “My father sexually abused me when I was ten.” and the response is “Uh huh,” which is misinterpreted as “Oh, you really must have been hurt, why don’t you tell me all about it.” And then the person proceeds to tell them for about 30 minutes to an hour the long dark emotional trail of tears from age 0-18. As the victim is telling this story to the person who continues to look at them and maybe make comments like “wow, really,” or just stare. Often the appeal of someone who continues to sit there through the conversation is that they are listening. Maybe the person is listening but they are not a therapist and are completely wrapped up in wondering when the football game is going to begin or “God I hope someone calls me now! Now! NOW!!!”

How to do it best: Be in a safe place – restaurants aren’t really accurate facilities for divulging emotional trauma. The conversation should be in a home or out in nature. It is preferable that you do it looking at each other rather than having them hold you. This way you can see their face and understand when they are bored and could care less or are actually concerned. If you get an emotionless face that reminds you of a wall, stop. If they want to know all the graphic details, STOP!

Take lots of breaths. If you feel yourself going on a tangent or starting to stare out into space while you are talking, stop. This is a signal you are being traumatized again. The memory is re-surfacing in your body and causing you to go “there” again psychologically. It is easy to think, getting it all out, you will never have to say it again. A partner is not the person to do that with. No matter how nice they seem. Telling a partner everything can cause them to have new issues in their relationship to you. Keep it brief and lacking in details. Not all partners are as accepting of past emotional details as you can be.

Scenario Two - Sex Talk or Not: If you choose to have unsafe sex, a one-night-stand, or just jump into bed because you felt like it sex, OR you thought his eyes said “I love you,” you are setting yourself up for trauma. The ideal way to have sex with a partner, when you have been abused, is to get to know the person – very well – before you have sex. Secondly, before you have sex have a sex talk. This is a gentle conversation where you look at each other and talk about the sex that you wish to have with the partner. It is okay to say “There are some things I am not willing to do.” Many people say I am uncomfortable with… If this is the wrong person the word uncomfortable is a recipe for re-traumatization by that person who you will soon realize is a manipulator. It is also okay to say “I was abused as a child and I need you to be gentle with me.” Or ”I am a little afraid to have sex,” or “I am shy about sex.” This probably sounds corny on some levels but corny is better than being raped, causing yourself to be hurt again emotionally or being sexually abused because they didn’t know (and you came across as a person who was willing to do whatever).

Being sexually abused as a child or raped/abused as an adult, means we often come across as willing participants, even when we really aren’t. This is our emotionally traumatized psyche that has a hard time creating sexually boundaries.

What generally happens is: You are in bed with your partner and in the middle of passion, say “No you don’t, my uncle used to do that and there is no way in hell I am going there again!” Or the S&M clothes are on and the partner is completely prepared for role plays and suddenly you have a flashback and find yourself as a twelve-year-old all over again. You are on the floor wailing like a little child and everyone is uncomfortable with the situation. OR the twelve-year-old shuts off emotionally and you proceed to be sexually abused again and don’t really remember what actually happened (out of body experience, numbness, dissociation).

Scenario Three – Therapy: What happens in the therapists room, stays in the therapists room. It is not a good idea to bring home what you discussed in therapy. Your partner is not a therapist and you will not get the same empathic response as you did from the professional. It will not heal your relationship, change it for the better or make you more secure with your partner. Most likely you will tell your partner, they will not give you the emotional feedback you desire and you will be hurt and suddenly feel as if your partner is the worst person in the world.

If you have been abused, you owe it to yourself, your family, your friends, your partner and your children, to find the right therapist (who you feel connected to) and whom you feel is taking you in the right direction spiritually, mentally, psychologically and emotionally. Give it time to happen and don’t expect results in a couple of sessions.

First time to a therapist, when you are a survivor, it might take some time to go down the road. Second time with a different therapist, you might open up a little more than the last time. Third time, you begin to talk about abuse from an easier perspective. Then suddenly find you thought you had dealt with everything but there was some other issue bringing it right back again. There are stages of therapy that we have to be patient with. Therapy is not the only way to move forward either. Do your homework that is recommended. Take workshops, join support groups, listen to other survivor stories at non-profit benefits.

Your partner is not a professional, they are just your lover and possibly the person you will spend your life with. If you have been abused, you owe it to yourself and to them to be a healthy person. Don’t spend your life hiding from the abuse. Find a therapist. Talk to them.

Related articles

• Sexual Abuse – Why Children Don’t Tell (simplysenia.com)
• The Silent War (rochellefoulk.com)
• Tomorrow is another day (kaalratri.com)
• Love, Lust, and Laughter – Overcoming Sexual Abuse – 04/02/13 (prn.fm)
• Cure A Child’s Anxiety With Child Play Therapy (childplaytheraphy.wordpress.com)

Rules for Getting Married

The only reason a couple should get married is because they have complete trust, loyalty, love and committment toward each other. If not, you do not belong together. Too many couples get married for the wrong reason and this is why it fails. If you are more focused on a white wedding and being seen by friends and family, then you are disrespecting yourself and your partner. The excitement of attending nuptials is not there when people are taking bets on how long you’ll last. If you are pregnant, don’t get married for this reason. You made a mistake, accept this and move forward. If your instincts tell you no, this isn’t the one, even if it is the night before that you finally get it through your senses, back out because it is never too late. Don’t worry about other people and how you will look, have integrity with yourself.

1. Love – Is this someone you really love and do not think they should ever change? Sure most people (not all) tend to grow and mature with age, this causes them to change. It is not something you wait for. You love someone unconditionally for who they are right now.

1 a. Love never means that if I love him enough he will change. This is not love but enabling. Enabling does nothing but continue the pattern and watch as it destroys your family.

2. Trust – Will this person stand by your side through thick and thin (till death do you part)? Will they make a good parent – do they even like (want) kids? Are they devoted to you – not sexting and texting and disappearing and making up excuses for why they are not responsible or why they are not there? Don’t fantasize that this quality is available in your partner. Don’t say I do, thinking a ring will suddenly turn him into the decent guy/gal you think marriage will magically instill in their genes. It won’t. Once you say I do, this means you have accepted them as is. They know that and soon you will too.

2 a. Trust does not mean Obsession – People who are stalking you all day long with multiple texts, does not mean they love you and does not mean they obviously will protect and care for you. It means they are nuts and will take the texting to rules about how you should behave and if you don’t, it could lead to violence. It means suddenly you will be told how to manage your money, when you can go shopping, what you can wear, when you can go out, how you should live your life.

3. Loyalty – Frida Kahlo once asked Diego Rivera for this and only this (according to the movie). She knew he was a cheater but she wanted to know he would always come back to her and be by her side no matter what. I think it is safe to say this happened for the most part. Frida and Diego might have seemed like a passionate artistic couple but hardly an idealized version of marriage or love. It does explain loyalty though. He was there through all her miscarriages, they stood beside each other in their communist pleas for change, they travelled together, loved each other and allowed for each other’s failures.  There are no movies or books (to my knowledge) about these two and other lovers. If so, no one really puts much attention to them because of the loyalty that we give this couple. Their loyalty produced so much beauty that has passed down to us and that we can take part in by stepping in to a part of their life viewing their works at an art museum.

4. Committment – This means that you have a shared passion for your relationship. The two of you are invested in the building of your partnership. You make decisions together. You have an agreement on what the family unit will look like. You share similar values and morals about life. Committment means you plan to be in it for the long haul. It does not mean you take life for granted. It does not mean that you expect these things but that you work to continue having this. Every day is about your marriage. Every choice you make is about this partnership. You are either in it together – before you say I do, or you don’t.

Communication is the key to a successful partnership. If you have Love, Trust, Loyalty and Committment than you have already communicated with each other what your intentions are. If not, than you do not have a chance of a good relationship. Communication can be resurrected in a marriage – if both persons agree this is an issue to be dealt with and actually commit to dealing with it.

What does it mean? Communication means that two people are in conversation with each other. Good communication means that you enjoy listening to and responding to the person you are talking with. How do you know that you have good communication? Think of a tennis match or ping-pong game. How often is the ball going back and forth? If it seems to stay on one side of the net while the person continues playing with the ball, you haven’t got communication. You have someone watching the ball. Is your partner an anchorman who tells you the news while you sit there with bated breath? Are you finding yourself holding out because your views aren’t important anyway? You might as well live alone if this is the case. If you are the one talking all the time but find that no one is listening, you can always sit in front of the wall. The wall won’t change colors and neither will your partner. Unless the partner sees that this is an issue that needs to discontinue and not because you make a daily habit of telling them.

Communication needs to occur both in the bedroom and outside of the bedroom. You have to be able to turn to your partner and discuss sex and babies and religion and politics. You don’t need to necessarily tell your partner everything – all the intimate details of your childhood psychological traumas, an inventory of past bed mates complete with graphic descriptions, or everything your grandma taught you and every metaphor you ever came up with. That is wasted energy. You do need to talk about daily activities and the comings and goings of your partnership. You do need to continue to build a sexual connection through intimate talks and touch.

How do you have a good marriage? You find someone who you are attracted to and spend time getting to know them. Sex needs to be the fun part that occurs once you’ve realized this person is going in the same direction you are. If sex happens before that, don’t try to make it into something it is not. Nothing ruins a marriage plan more than two people who are “great in bed,” but have little else between them. Don’t kid yourself either. If you aren’t able to have a conversation, you aren’t meant to be together for the long haul. Accept that you have fun together but fun does not equal loyalty, trust, committment and love.

A good marriage is two people on a path together who continue to work together and help each other so that their family unit becomes stronger and healthier over time. If this is the direction you are meant to go in, don’t push it. Let things happen naturally and when it feels right. If you are supposed to spend the rest of your life together, than you have plenty of time to decide next steps. If you are patient and allow things to unfold when each of you are ready, this will ensure a secure bond that will withstand the tests of time.

Related articles

• “I Now Pronounce You . . . Oh Hell Wait!” “Just Marriage” (myculturalconversations.wordpress.com)
• Settle differences before marriage. (inkatheart.wordpress.com)
• Acceptance Comes With No Stipulations – You Just Accept or You Don’t (coalitionofpositiveenergy.com)

Coping with a Mentally Ill Parent (or child)

Your childhood was bad enough, having to behave like an adult, caring for your parent. Now your siblings are either sick as well or not willing to take the burden on. You are stuck being the financial legal guardian or the one with the power of attorney. When is it your turn to be a child and take a break?

NAMI.org stands for the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill. Click on the link and then find the local chapter near you.  The local chapters are available to help families who are dealing with adults or children that have mental illness. This is not limited to any topic in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual), call and ask them about your family’s situation. Generally speaking they provide education and also outreach through family support groups.

Disability - Is your parent (child) getting disability for their illness? It is much easier to get with children then it is with adults. Again, check with your local NAMI office to find out if they can assist you in understanding the system.

Social Services - There is an adult social services (as well as for children). They would much rather help a family before there is a crisis then when it happens. Prevention is a goal with these workers. Educating the public is their hope to make sure they don’t ever see you on their caseload. This is generally run by the county that you live in. Look up your county on-line and search for social services. Call them up and talk to them to find out what type of support is available to you. Don’t be afraid to let them in your home. If your situation is THAT bad, it is better that you invite them in then have the embarrassment of someone else doing it for you. And, it might not be as bad as you feel it is.

Respite Programs – Ask to see if daycare programs are available in your area.

Nursing Homes – It might be hard to do this and they may not want to go but if your family member is someone you are afraid to leave alone, they need assisted living. It is time you had a life of your own. These programs, social services, NAMI, they can all provide support on what is the best option for your family. They can also give some advice on financial assistance.

In the case of children, you would be look at very highly structured group homes or residential treatment facilities. If you or your families’ safety is at risk, you need help of an outside solution.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help and don’t become the martyr. Your own mental health is at risk when you are trying to play doctor, therapist, psychiatrist, and child at the same time. There are resources to help people and it is important to take advantage of them. While this is your parent and you love them dearly, their situation does not get better. You owe it to yourself and to your family member to make sure they are getting the best treatment available. This means working with professionals. It is time to let them go and accept that you have done the best you could. After you have got them into treatment, it is important that you then take care of your own mental health and get support for all this stress you have been under!

Related articles

• National Alliance on Mental Illness affiliate comes to Kaua’i (thegardenisland.com)
• Who Has Mental Illnesses? [Infographic] (loupdargent.info)
• One in five city kids from 6 to 12 struggles with mental illness or emotional problems (educationviews.org)
• You are NOT Alone (brittanymoso.wordpress.com)
• We need to talk about Mental Illness (jansandsblog.wordpress.com)
• A personal story about mental illness (erincooperdesigns.com)
• Support group for mental illness meets (morningsun.net)

How to Handle Drunk Girls

This email is a link to a very quick video created by Adam Mordecai. It is very important to watch and pass around. And then read my message below.

http://www.upworthy.com/the-shortest-psa-on-how-to-handle-drunk-girls-passed-out-on-your-couch-ever?g=3&c=upw1

However, if your teenagers are planning to have a party in your house:

1. Parents YOU should be responsible enough to provide responsible Adult chaperones. Preferably you.

2. There should be NO Alcoholic beverages with minors on site.

3. If the two above suggestions occurred the Steubenville rape case would not even be a topic of concern.

The message here is Don’t Let Your Teens Run the Household! Who are the adults in the family??

And if they throw parties while you are out of town, make sure you have neighbors whom you are close to and have agreements with that will keep an eye on your house and call the police when impromptu parties occur. Don’t worry about what other teens parents allow them to do, worry about what you allow your teens to do!

Teen Humiliation Means Parents Are Not Paying Attention

Pat Brown, from Women in Crime Ink, has written possibly the most direct and appropriate response to parents who seem to lack good parenting skills. Her article “Teach Your Sons Not to Rape,” from March 20, 2013, which focuses on the Steubenville Rape Trial, explains that if you haven’t raised your kids properly, by the time they are teens, you need to take responsibility for this. Naturally, when I read the article Parents Force Girl to Hold Sign in an effort to humiliate her for poor grades and her entitlement issues, I felt it was time to give my own take on this as well.

If a teen has entitlement issues – this is the PARENTS FAULT, not the teens. Who was giving the child everything they wanted from the get go? Not the teen. Who was the one not setting limits all the time? Unless you are parentifying your children, I would guess the adults would be the one’s responsible for this. Who didn’t teach your child right from wrong? Who didn’t say no?

This sign holding has been going on for some time now and I for one am getting a little tired of this parental bullying. Nothing will push a child toward sex, a.k.a. attention then humiliation. Who do you think will be ready to comfort the teen when they see him/her on the street corner holding up an idiotic sign? If they are younger than high school age, they are bound to be bullied in school. What has happened with kids who are bullied in school? School shootings. Maybe it is time to come up with another plan parents. You messed up big time, when it comes to raising your children. They are entitled kids and you made them that way.

By the way what is “Self-Entitled?” Is this a new word that Gentry and Renee Nickells were teaching this child? It certainly implies that they are not willing to take any responsibility whatsoever.

When I work with children, and I have said this before many times, I hear about what they are going through with their parents. I hear about Narcissistic parents (and I always meet them so I am clear this is the issue). I hear about drug addicts and alcoholics. I hear about domestic violence going on in the household. I hear about parentification. I have seen cases where parents are clearly not raising their children and the kids are so stressed out, they don’t know what to do. This causes them to fail in school mom and dad.

Divorce does this too BUT ONLY IF the parents are arguing and trying to control the other. Game playing.

No matter what the problem is, that your child is going through, parents have to step up to the plate first and foremost and ask themselves – where did I go wrong as a parent? You have to say to yourself, what lifestyle did I raise my children in. What did they witness?

All parents go through teen angst because guess what, this is a stage where kids go from the concrete operational stage (everything is black or white) to the abstract reasoning stage (theories, there is a world out there and how do I fit in). This is a huge jump and causes teens to go through an identity crisis. Guess what parents? You did this too, when you were a teen. Your parents did their best to get through it and you need to do the same.

If you raise your children consistently from the beginning – so they know what to expect from you. Don’t try to make them the bff you never had. Pay attention to them. Tell them NO.

If it is too late now, and it is never too late which is why I enjoy working with teens – there is still hope. Sit down with your teen and get to know them. Listen to what they are going through, without trying to give them a lecture for thirty minutes after the first word pops out of their mouth. Spend time with them – go out to dinner with them or get involved in their hobbies. Go on a hike with them somewhere, away from society. Take them on a boat ride, go fly a kite, something out in nature. You can make up for the past but it isn’t going to happen in one take. You have made some major mistakes here if your teen is getting into a lot of trouble.

Having them hold up signs to humiliate themselves is a sign that the parents have given up and have decided to make the teen the scapegoat for their family problems. I guarantee you if I sat down with these teens holding the signs, I would find out in 50 minutes what kind of family dynamics this child has had to suffer through. Bad grades are a sign that possibly there are chemicals involved but generally this is a genetic issue. Which family addict is this child taking after? What if the child is getting bad grades because they were raped or sexually abused or bullied and they are unable to talk to mom and dad, who never listen in the first place, so they are holding this in. Maybe they are unable to study in class or pay attention because someone is making life difficult for them. How about mom and dad are too focused on their careers and have been neglecting their child?

Parents think. Use your common sense. Stop focusing on yourself for a minute and the problems you are having in your own life and pay attention to your children. Don’t humiliate them, thereby distancing kids from you even more. Pay attention to their needs. Give them healthy love and nurture them with good wholesome food. Get to know their friends and the parents of their pals. Go to school and meet their teachers and take their advice. Take responsibility for your children by taking responsiblity for the mistakes you have made as a parent.

Related articles

• NYC Teen Parenting Campaign – Its About Time (jkvegh.wordpress.com)
• Steubenville: Humiliation Was The Point Of The Exercise (yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com)
• Teen Girls Charged with Menacing the Steubenville Rape Victim on Social Media (jezebel.com)
• You: Ohio teens guilty of rape, but town’s ordeal isn’t over (latimes.com)

The Narcissists Wives Club

Ah Yes, and the Stepford Wives. Remember them?

This is a club for women (or men) who find that they are always to blame for everything. At first you felt, okay, I could work on this issue and he has a point.  Now, many months/years later, the blame game has become a little tiring and you are emotionally exhausted. Can you really be the problem in the marriage? Would this relationship really be magically fixed if only YOU would see a therapist?

Probably not. Nothing is ever one sided. Marriage/Relationship is a two way street. If your partner is not ever, and I mean never taking responsibility for his problem and they are always re-directing the issue toward you, you are probably with a Narcissist. So let us examine the facts according to the psychotherapists/psychologists/psychiatriasts manual, aka the DSM IV.

DSM IV definition: Someone who suffers from Narcissistic Personality disorder (NPD) has at least 5 of the following characteristics:

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

As you look at this list, think of your partner’s behaviors without giving an excuse to any of them. Either he does it or doesn’t. If you are not sure what something means, ask. Remember this is a manual for professionals to use. It is written in language that is not in layman’s terms. I have known and worked with, personally and professionally, many Nacissists. They don’t always act exactly the same and the symptoms manifest in different ways. Here are some examples:

A. Spending lots of money for hobbies that never really go anywhere – you have no money to pay for them but the money continues to be spent (pre-occupied with fantasies). I had a friend going out with a man who spent several years working on a movie project. It was a low grade film and had no chance of making him a success. He made very little money and she ended up footing the bill for household expenses.

B. Always to blame – this is their specialty. Once I bought a couple of cans of root beer for a friend and I who were out hiking one day. I brought them back to the car and he opened his up and it burst out all over the inside of MY car, making the trip very sticky. He immediately yelled at me stating that I had shaken the cans up before handing them to him. So this is an example, they initiate a behavior, but somehow it is turned on you. I have even known someone who fell down upstairs and he began yelling at his wife downstairs for the fall. As if she could possibly be responsible for something when she is not even there!

C. Excessive need for attention – Recently at a dinner party, one man was complimented by a woman in the room for his polite behavior. Another man yelled at her that she was stereotyping all men and had issues with men. The second man was nearby but was not involved in the conversation. It had absolutely nothing to do with him but somehow he turned it around to be a personal attack on him and “other men.”

D. Everything must meet the needs of their schedule – You take vacations that work for him. Your sick days are to take care of him. You take the family on an outing but dad gets bored so you have to end the trip for him. Meals are made for him on his time – sometimes women make separate meals for the kids, just to accommodate him.

E. Odd parenting behaviors – their way is right no matter what. I knew a man who prided himself on spoiling his child to take away the “pain” of the divorce. The divorce occurred because this Narcissist wasn’t meeting the needs of the wife, so she cheated on him. This man made a dinner of milk shakes and macaroni and cheese, every single night, to placate the child. It had been pointed out, by the partner, the lack of nutrition in this meal, along with the fact that entitlement parenting is not a healthy style to provide to a child. The child appeared very balanced and able to move forward from the divorce. The child was quite mature in many ways. This man also allowed his child to smoke pot in the house because he had done this as an adult and so would chastise his partner by saying “Its not pot, it is incense.” Lying is a gift with Narcissist. They turn the situation around with an answer readily prepared to show nothing is their fault or in this case they are not a bad parent.

F. Arrogant behaviors – I once returned from a leave of absence to a new supervisor. They called me into their office and spent a half hour telling me all about themself both personal and professional. They never asked me any questions about my performance in the past (at this company) or if I had any questions about working with them. Then they promptly said I could return to my desk and get going. One day I turned up and they had gone into my organized filing cabinet (I am extremely thorough) and had re-organized it the way they thought it should be. Since I worked as an independent, along with my colleagues, it was very unorthodox. To his credit he did acknowledge doing it but only because it was the best way “he felt” that things should be organized. I re-organized my cabinet and he never did it again (that is because I freaked out when I saw it and he was right there).

G. Sleeping with the Narcissist – A woman told me that her husband had to get up at 5:30 am to listen to Amy Goodman on the radio. She didn’t get up till 7am and it was difficult for her to sleep like this because she was not a morning person. She was going to work exhausted.  He refused to put on headphones and then blamed her for turning it down because he could not hear it. He refused to compromise and she was forced to sleep on the couch during weekdays.

H. Exploitative – Your at your kid’s soccer game. Your husband is interrupting the game all the way through, telling the coach how to do the job. He takes credit for winning the game because if it weren’t for his suggestions, the coach has no clue. Kanye West who has twice now interrupted Taylor Swift’s award winning moments – to spout his opinions.

It can make you sick to your stomach when you think about it. However, many women (and as I said earlier, sometimes men) walk on eggshells on a daily basis because they have been programmed to believe this is all part of being married. I feel so sad when they come in to meet me and I have to explain to them that Narcissism is not something you can find a cure for. And I have to explain this after I help to boost their self-esteem and explain that it is not their fault and they are not going crazy.

Women who go through this generally organize the family and sometimes even the pets so they are all on the same page with dad. I’ve seen some handle it with humor, most stay in denial and just say “that’s just dad,” kids grow up and move thousands of miles away to get away from the mess, mom’s are torn from families because they won’t let go [of dad]. Women stay married so they don’t lose custody of their kids (See the book Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Narcissist). Women stay with him because they are afraid of being alone. They have been emotionally tortured for so long they have no strength to move. A Narcissist is a batterer. I have already mentioned financial and emotional abuse but sometimes, the longer a person stays, the more it is apt to turn into physcial and maybe even sexual abuse.

These husbands can be helped with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – as many will argue who specialize in this disorder.  However, as the saying goes “Why should I [the Narcissist] go into therapy when there is nothing wrong with me?” Implying that something is wrong with you. Whether or not they do go to a therapist (and actually commit to more than one session), this is not a guarantee of success in the relationship. It is in your best interests, as the victim, to seek out a therapist so you can begin to rebuild your sense of self.

Finally, my favorite comment from a Nacissist as told to me by a friend. He called my friend, his ex-girlfriend up to comment on his marriage (he married someone on the internet six months after my friend left him) and this is what he said, “We have a wonderful relationship, it is very quiet and peaceful. She never questions anything I say.”

Related articles

• The Narcissistic Father (psychologytoday.com)
• Being with a Narcissistic Sociopath – Part 1 (beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com)
• 20 Signs That You’re A Narcissist (businessinsider.com)
• Time to get Angry: Ending the Narcissistic Relationship (1solutionfocusedcoaching.com)
• The Child of the Narcissist (jkvegh.wordpress.com)

Why do Little Girls end up Pregnant?

In 1980, in Pataskala, Ohio, there were two girls in my senior class who were pregnant. In 2013, 34.2/1000 teens aged 15-19 are pregnant. There are now day-cares at high schools in the inner city. Girls go to school with their strollers. No need for the egg exercise when you already have the real thing.

Since this is WordPress, and I am not that good at getting multiple images to line up properly here online, I am going to use phrases and verbal descriptions of why wouldn’t a teen get pregnant. The words alone are enough to conjure up images shown in the media, heard in music, told to them at school by other kids, what they hear when they walk down the street, what they see on other women. Society teaches them that it is okay to have sex. Society shows them a sexualized culture.

“Who’s Your  Babies  Daddy?” Fox Reality TV show.

“Teen Mom,” MTV Reality TV show.

“Keeping up with The Kardashians,” E! Reality TV show.

“Bridezillas,” WE (Women’s Entertainment??) Reality TV show.

Celebrities no longer getting married and making babies.

Victoria’s Secret

Abercrombie and Fitch

4-6″ heels

“I did not have sex with that woman?” President Clinton tells the world that Oral Sex is Not Sex.

Oral Sex and Anal Sex are said to keep you a virgin by teenagers.

Catholic priests involved in scandals, abusing young boys.

Child Abuse and Neglect (251 pages, you don’t want to push print).

Misogyny in Hip Hop Culture

Deadbeat Dads

Words used by men (and women) in music, street, schools: Whore, Bitch, Cunt, Skank, Titties, Tits, Bootie, etc…

“I like Big Butts,” lyrics

“Junk in the Trunk,” lyrics

Alcohol/Drugs

Cutting

Sniffing

Sexting

Competition

Eating Disorders – seen in women (and men) who have been sexually abused and/or have low self-esteem

Low Self-Esteem (watch any of the Killing Me Softly videos on YouTube)

Peer pressure to have sex

Sagging

Gang Rape

Gangs

Gangsta wannabe’s (using the terms, dressing like, parading the symbols in photos)

Entitled Teens

Teens run the household

Teen thongs

Carefree Pantyshields for thongs

Sexual predators online

Size 0

Plastic surgery for teens (no laws prohibiting minors)

Cults having sex with kids (more pronounced via the web)

“Real Housewives of…” (women see that it is more fashionable to be married than have a career)

“Bad Girls Club” (Oxygen network)

Hip Hop: Beyond Beats and Rhymes

“50 Shades of Grey” (article about teens reading this)

Its all about sex. No matter where you look around teens are blatantly having sex in ad campaigns, watching videos which are no more than soft porn, dressing sexually, dressed for sex, listening to music that tells you you want to have sex and makes women out to be low-class citizens. All of these items above, not just one or even two are seen by or effect young women today. What is a young girl expected to think with these images and these voices?

More and more children are brought up with no dad and with young girls it effects them emotionally and often they try to find someone who will love them, take care of them, provide them that missing masculine energy they so desperately want in their lives. Boys have no men to provide them with role models and they end up in trouble, trying to fit in to society. The bad boys are attractive to the young girls. They give them the sense that they are in control, that they know the ways of the world, that they are going to be different than what they had growing up, they are going to change things. Don’t think parents that your two-parent household is immune to this. Your girls are looking at these same bad boys.

If a girl is not taught self-respect, if education is not the priority in her life, if she feels less than others, if she is abused, if she is taught that her brother is better than she is, she is going to look outside of herself for someone to give her love, to make her feel like someone. That person is not going to be mature enough or wise enough to know what is best for her. Birds of a feather. These girls attract the same, immature boys/men who need to feel good. The boys/men want sex, the girls want emotions. Emotional bonding just doesn’t happen when you have this split paradigm between a couple.

Boys refuse to wear condoms. Girls refuse to use birth control. Babies are born.

Related articles

• NYC Teen Parenting Campaign – Its About Time (jkvegh.wordpress.com)
• Women Bashing Women (ladyjatbay.wordpress.com)