The Narcissistic Mother

Guest Writer: Tina Fuller, author of “Its My Turn.”

My name is Tina Fuller and I am healed from the damage of having a high-range narcissistic mother.  As you already know, having a narcissistic parent/s is an awful environment to grow up in.  Like many others in this situation I grew up with low self-esteem, never feeling good enough, and all alone in the world.  At around the age of 42, I discovered my mother was narcissistic. I knew something was wrong with my mother, but didn’t know what it could be. Luckily, I happened to stumble across the 9 characteristics of narcissism.  The article said, a person must display 3-5 of them to be considered narcissistic.  My mother displayed all 9!  
 
I decided to learn all that I could about narcissism. I wanted to be absolutely certain that my mother was in fact narcissistic.  I did research, read books, and watched documentaries.  I was on a mission to get the truth.  I suffered for 42 years and wanted to get rid of the pain and damage she had caused. I now had my own family and didn’t want any of her negative behavior affecting mine. Knowledge is power. If you think your parent is narcissistic, learn as much as you can about narcissism.  This will truly help you in the healing process.

After several years of my diligent effort to become whole, I felt obligated to share my knowledge and experience with others who were suffering and experiencing the same pain that I had been through.  I remembered how lost and lonely I felt, and in desperate need of answers. I had found several good books that clinically explained narcissism, but didn’t offer any real answers concerning what to do for myself.  I decided to help others by writing a book!  It’s My Turn explains narcissism, how narcissists think, and gives real life examples that people could relate to.  I also wanted to provide ideas and solutions that describe what to do for yourself.  I wanted to let others know that you can heal from this, and how to do it.  I developed a 4-step program called P.A.C.E. (protect, accept, change and empower) to help others to heal. 

In writing “It’s My Turn,” I learned that all my pain and suffering would now be used to help others. Something good was going to come of it!  My book is being used in support groups here the US and the UK.  Children of narcissists need to be validated and heard.  I want others to know that you can heal from this.  It takes work, but it is worth every minute to be free from the grip of a narcissistic parent.
 
It’s My Turn is available on Amazon worldwide. (kindle & paperback)  www.amazon.com/Its-My-Turn-Tina-Fuller/dp/1300653787
 
If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me at: tinafuller@mac.com.
Posted in Narcissism, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Children’s Mental Health As Important as Physical Health

 

This is a very powerful message about mental health and children. While we are not in the UK, we have many places locally that serve young children and adolescents. The best place to look for someone in your area is to go on PsychologyToday.com At the top of the page click on Find A Therapist, then put in your zip code and then you narrow down your selection by clicking on the different variables provided. (Note: Psychologytoday is a nationwide website).

Posted in Kids/Adolescents | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Holistic Health

holistic doctor

Image | Posted on by | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

SAD at Winter Time

5 things you may not have known about SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder)

*This article is copied from the bi-weekly e-newsletter for MHAFC.org (Mental Health  America of Franklin County)

According to American Family Physician up to 20% of the US population may experience mild Seasonal Affective Disorder, meaning they are negatively affected by the changing seasons and reduc. They may feel depressed, irritable, and tired. Activity levels may decrease, and they find themselves sleeping more.

Some interesting facts about SAD include:

1. It is four times more common in women then men.
2. Although some children and teenagers get SAD, it usually doesn’t start in people younger than age 20. And older adults are less likely to experience SAD.
3. SAD is believed to be related to daylight, not the temperature. Some experts believe that a lack of sunlight increases the body’s production of melatonin.
4. This is probably why it is more common the farther north you go. For example, it’s seven times more common in Washington state than in Florida.
5. Not as common, a second type of seasonal affective disorder known as summer depression can occur in individuals who live in warmer climates. Their depression is related to heat and humidity, rather than light.

SAD is treatable. If symptoms are mild, using light therapy has shown to be highly effective. Studies show that between 50% and 80% of light therapy users have complete remissions of symptoms. However, light therapy must be used for a certain amount of time daily and continue throughout the dark, winter months. For more severe cases,  your doctor may also want you to try an antidepressant or behavior therapy.

For in-depth information about dealing with SAD, check out Norman Rosenthal’s book, Winter Blues. 

Posted in Mental Illness | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

If He/She is Not Right, Keep Walking and Don’t Give Up

We know what we don’t want, yet we keep attracting it into our lives. When we get it, we desperately cling to it and then try to change it. This isn’t the answer but because we are so impatient to find the right one, we figure we might as well fix what we have. This only causes us to be stuck in a rut, with whom we don’t want, because we are afraid to keep trying.

No one is going to change “for us.” Would you change because someone asked you to? Especially when the underlying message is “I can only love you, if you change for me. Then we will be perfect!” Don’t answer this with a yes too quickly. Most likely people have been asking you to change for years.

Your boss wants you to change, your teacher thinks you could do better, your parents say you aren’t striving hard enough and then your relationship says “I just can’t be happy with you unless…”

So, here you are in a situation that isn’t going to change. Walk away. You made a mistake, he/she isn’t the one. The longer you’ve been with them the harder it is, yes, I am aware of this. However, the longer you continue, the worse it will get. I am not talking about a relationship that has communication issues. These can be dealt with – but if they can’t be – let them go. Don’t beat a dead horse, expecting them to get up.

Don’t be afraid of change though. Don’t let change be the reason you stay stuck with what you have.

Lets say you have really worked hard to change yourself. You have brought your self-awareness to a level that has made you feel proud of whom you have become. Then a guy/gal walks into your life and immediately you realize you have attracted the past all over again. That is okay, you realized this right away. The plus here is that you didn’t stay several years with him and then wake up one day to see the big picture. You saw it now. So be proud of yourself and keep walking forward.

Self-awareness doesn’t reward you with a gift certificate to the “Perfect Guy (Gal),” store. You don’t walk out of your door and suddenly there he/she is walking down the street. You have to prove yourself a few times, it is your muscle being tested and flexed to make sure it REALLY works. You may think you have self-awareness but until it is actually put into place, it isn’t anything but your ego telling you, you have done a great job.

That smarts, doesn’t it? All this time, you thought you had really become enlightened and were a guru in the making. Then reality smacks you really hard when the person you think is your destiny, because you were super ready for this, turns out to be just the same old narcissistic prick you’ve seen before, only this time he/she played his/her cards differently, so you thought he/she was special. The universe is like that. Though it is really us floating on that flying carpet we created in our minds and we woke up when we saw the ground was right under our butts.

Its okay though.  Don’t give up on working on yourself or continuing to go toward that goal of being a really great person. One day you won’t need to say “I have self-awareness now.” Your heart will be open and inside you will feel deserving and without saying it, it will just happen, you will attract Mr./Mrs. Right and you will just keep walking down that path together. Before you know it, you will look back and realize there weren’t any red flags to focus on and suddenly you will at some point even see what was different about you this time then all those other times before.

Posted in Marriage/Relationships, Men, Women | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Running from Crazy – For Families with Mental Illness

This is a trailer for the film “Running from Crazy.” A documentary about Mental Illness as told by Mariel Hemingway. After watching the trailer, you can download it from Netflix. It is worth watching if you have someone or several someones in your family who are mentally ill or an addict. If someone in your family is an addict, they are merely covering up what lurks deep beneath in the cesspools of their mind. Mental Illness, whether it is wrapped up in street pharmaceuticals, alcohol or prescriptions, is still mental illness.

Don’t be afraid to discuss your families problems. Out loud. Take the shame out of these words, stop the denial and help turn the family legacy around to a positive. With treatment, love, support and communication, this goes from being a stigma to a managed solution.

Posted in Death/Grief/Loss, FYI, Men, Mental Illness, Women | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Jon Kabat Zinn Guided Meditation

Before you begin your journey, this Thanksgiving, take 20 minutes to listen to a guided mediation. Note: There is some moments of silence, just be patient and continue your meditation. It is not completed until you hear the final three bells.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Posted in Somatic/Holistic/Transpersonal | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Mindful Driving

Drivers are more and more dangerous on the streets and highways than ever before. The notion of mindfulness has begun to be the buzz word of the day and so I continue to think about this as I am behind the wheel. What would it look like if we all drove mindfully?

When you go to your car, truck, or whatever mode of transportation you might work in (subway, semi, train) it is important to focus on the task at hand. First, thinking consciously about your vehicle when you turn it on. How does it sound? Do you have enough gas? Do you need lights on? What are the road conditions that you are about to embark on? Have you sufficiently prepared your self for the weather of the day with proper clothing? I think about pilots when they are about to fly and all the preparations that go in to getting off the ground. You are the pilot of your vehicle and the same attention must be paid to the safety of your self and others. While you may not have 300 passengers in the rear, you have hundreds to thousands (i.e., LA) of people next to you on the road.

Every time you get behind a wheel, it is important to be conscious of these things as your mindset will affect the lives of so many people. And not just those on the road directly but their families who will indirectly bear the burden of the decisions you make.

As you enter the street, from your own driveway, thinking about the world you are about to embark on. Who is coming out of their driveways? What is on the road in front of you? Do you need to keep a watchful eye for animals (deer, squirrels, domestic pets), in your neighborhood? Of course don’t forget children on bicycles or playing on sidewalks – is their ball going to slip out onto the street and then they go running after it? Mindfully taking in all that is around you.

When you get to the end of the street it is important to stay behind the stop sign. If there is no stop sign, you are still mandated to stay at the end of the street, not out into on-coming traffic where people will now have to get over to go around you, thereby making it even slower for you to turn right or left. When you are causing traffic to re-route for your decisions, it causes more stress on everyone around you, including your self. This also causes people to then be mindful of every street corner, expecting people to come racing out and being the cause of constant braking.

Traffic lights are extremely important to focus on. If you are unfamiliar with the neighborhood, don’t race through the yellow light that may only stay that way for a few seconds. Going through a red light puts an entire intersection in danger and it is playing Russian roulette. What good does it do your body if you smash into another driver who had the green light? If there is a storm and the traffic lights are out, there are rules for crossing the street. Each side takes turns as you then become mindful of an imaginary stop sign. It does no one any good if you are in the middle of the street, five cars deep, sitting there so that no one has a chance of crossing. Most states have laws about blocking the streets in traffic (with or without a light that is working).

As you enter the entrance to the freeway/highway/interstate, whatever you code this federal or state boulevard. Mindfully focusing on everyone around you. As we learned in Driver’s Ed, what is happening in front, to the right, to the left, and in behind? Watching all directions and paying attention to what is going on. When you are switching lanes, have you indicated this with your lights? Is there at least a car lengths space between you and the driver in front and back? With more than three lanes, what is the guy to the left doing? Is he also trying to get into the same lane you are going to? For those behind the car trying to switch lanes – giving them the common courtesy of getting over. If you are in a merge lane, this means you have an imaginary yellow light (you take caution when approaching on-coming traffic). People on the freeway are not meant to put on their brakes so merging traffic can come in. It is best when those on the freeway can get over for merging traffic, if that is possible but when you have a merging lane and an exit lane in the exact same place, this is rather difficult for all involved. Again, being mindful of driving carefully and cautiously of all around you.

Traffic for work – we are all going to work, you are no exception. Driving at the pace of others will do the least amount of damage if we are all focused together. Whether you are five minutes late or fifteen minutes late, you are still late. You still run the risk of getting written up by your boss. If you are thinking that you need to race to be a few minutes less late, you are putting others in danger and run the risk of hitting someone. Then you will likely be up to an hour (or more) late for causing traffic damage. Racing to get to work also causes stress on the other drivers around you. Those people who are driving mindfully and were conscious of leaving at the correct time that day, are having to be distracted by your mistakes. People become nervous and when this occurs they make mistakes too. Some people on the road are brand new drivers, going to their first jobs. Dealing with people who are racing to work can cause an inexperienced driver to have an accident at your expense.

Racing to get to work and racing to get home. You are racing to get somewhere that many people don’t want to be at and then you race to get home to complain about this. How much of your life is wasted by racing? How would your day be at work if you were mindfully driving to get there? How would your evening be at home if you were conscious of being in the car on the way home? Your life exists behind the wheel, not just what happens after you get out. The saying “Be Here Now,” means that. There is also another favorite quote “Life Wastes Itself When we are Preparing to Live.” When you arrive out of breath, you have missed out on minutes of your life that you can not get back.

Take care of yourself on the way to work or where ever it is you are headed. Have nice relaxing, calming music playing to help you be mindful of the road. This type of music also helps people to be less stressed. It doesn’t matter what genre the music is in, if you feel happy and want to smile, then this is the music for you. For long trips, use audio books to enjoy the time in a quality way. There are also CD’s to learn a new language. What a wonderful and different way to travel.

Mindful driving would change our world and make us a part of the world around us.  Without mindful driving, we are merely one person against others rather than one person amongst others. Think of this the next time you get behind a wheel. You might just end up saving a life today.

Posted in Culture, Stress, Trauma | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Technology and the Relationship to Self

Today’s couples are being destroyed by their fingers and thumbs with secret texting, email accounts, online pornography, cell phones. It is not even in the closet in some cases as they are doing this right in front of each other; on their beds. Modern technology is destroying lives more than ever before. Where we once rolled our eyes at shoppers who had no cell phone etiquette, now we can be baffled by families who lose all sense of identity, values, concern for self by being addicted to a computer. Is this the real world now? Have we lost all sense of self control?

What is happening is that people have learned that they can do whatever they want, whenever they want and it doesn’t matter who gets hurt in the long run. The narcissistic impulses are motivated by reality TV. People with no talent who suddenly crop up on your screen with nothing of value to add but plenty of soul smashing piquing a voyeuristic delight. On the same token zombie Sci-Fi has risen to a new glory which mirrors our society of the moment. Where will this all go? What is the future of this hedonist lifestyle?

We make fun of Republican Christian families who have managed to cherish homespun values with religious fervor (not all of these people have 19 children) and put them down for holding on to beliefs that have been sacred for centuries. People who actually have manners and dress like women and men and children and behave somewhat responsibly in society. Forgetting that there is such a thing as freedom of religion and speech. Even though I am not of their culture, it does not mean that I should not respect them for maintaining some decency in our world of freaks.

We have come to a place where we idolize pipe dreams and are walking away from spirituality. When we do embrace spirituality, it is only to create a cliché and somehow turn it into fashion, a marketing scheme, a capitalists dream come true. How to become rich selling yoga to the masses.

The modern self is a lost soul. Taylor Swift says “Blank Space.” I would say a blank page. And with a blank page you can begin to write – on paper, with pen or pencil and begin to feel your body once more. Return to the body, embrace the self, breathe. Become conscious of the self so that you can see the world around you once more – outside of the box on your table or lap or that thing held between your fingers.

Stop and smell the roses

Before there are no roses to smell. With hybrids, it is often difficult to find a flower that has a scent unless you are walking in the woods – untouched paradise, aside from the trail and the rangers station, there still are places that are sacred to all, no matter what you believe.

We should all be grieving now, except some people don’t remember, have never known. Some are focused on a screen and it hasn’t even occurred to us how ridiculously small that screen size has become.

Put it down because it is already too late but you can still make a change. You can be the one who sets the pace and makes a difference in the world by demanding a better future for your self and your family. If you don’t have a family find people around  you to spend your life with. In the real world, not online. Cherish your partner, your children, your friends, your family and embrace them before it is too late to know who they are and before you lose them and have nothing left. It won’t be easy to turn this around, not as easy as stabbing at keys with your thumbs but it will be a challenge that you will feel gratification from in the long run. Life is not meant to be easy, families are not a TV show, you are not the only one in pain or feeling alone, or with this ailment or this life. Embrace what you do have and become an expert in it. Figure out how to be the best at who you can be, with what life has dealt you, with what you have chosen to have. Choose to have love, wealth, health and happiness and don’t expect this to be what you see online. Don’t expect – create with what you have. Take responsibility for your life. Own it. You don’t need to “share it” with anyone except those around you who matter most.

This means people in your house.

Posted in Culture, Marriage/Relationships, Media, Narcissism | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Lauren Bacall on Relationships

This is a long video and you need to turn up your speakers as the sound isn’t great. But I think the first 4 minutes has a lot to say about being in a relationship, being alone and then it goes on to talk more about men and her life.

Posted in Marriage/Relationships, Women | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment